The Durty 30 Club!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - the countdown to the New Year began at 11:59pm on December 31, 2010. As the crowd around me was chanting, my palms were beginning to sweat profusely. But why would a simple countdown be so nerve-racking? Could death be waiting right around the corner? Was I in desperate need to make a deposit, yet the bathroom was nowhere in sight? Was the mafia hot on my heels, looking for that overdue check I owe them for stiffing them on that last 'run' they sent me on? None of the above...rather, it was worse than I could have imagined...the countdown to my demise! The demise of my youth, that is! Just then, as the crowd cheered after yelling out '1' and 'Happy New Year', I looked around the dance floor and realized that I was then one of the oldest people in the club and that I was no longer welcomed . See, at the stroke of midnight, I had turned thirty years old. I felt like running out of the ball so fast that I lose my Adidas sneaker for fear that I would turn into an ugly house servant and my new BMW truck would turn into a pumpkin. I felt all of the drunken eyes staring at me, pointing and laughing and chanting about how old I had become and how my wrinkles and bags under my eyes are now more pronounced. As I tried to ignore the laughter, I continued to dance and sip on my bottle of beer. Just as my favorite Lady Gaga song came on, I got excited and began dancing harder, thinking that I would drown my misery in the loud thumping beat...which, to my realization, my body had already begun shutting down. I quickly came to realize that I can still drop it down low to the floor, but can no longer bring it back up. So, there I was, the middle of the dance floor, stuck...on the floor! It was after I pulled myself up on the corner of the stage that I realized the madness behind the simpleton I was dancing too. And as I looked around the dance floor at all of the drunk children, stumbling and fighting to keep their composure and stand upright, I realized that my sober crossing into true adulthood may not be all that bad. Sure, there are downfalls like not being as limber as in times past, but, there's so much more out there to enjoy. Like, no longer being carded when at the bar; or enjoying cocktails laced with Metamucil or 'Immunity-boost' powders. Either way, life can only get better from here on. So, to all of the members of the Durty 30 Club, your newest member has arrived and welcomes your guidance, helping hand and age-reversal secrets as I navigate the next 10 years of semi-faithful service.

bowtie diaries

some of you may remember that a while ago, i started wearing bowties to work. i have not worn a regular necktie in almost 2 years. i noticed that throughout the pentagon, a few people started sporting bowties. there were very few members of the young crowd that began to follow my trend, but mostly it was the older group (50+) that began dusting them off. although i welcomed the compliments of the more fashionable and senior-level members of the agency, as well as the jokes from all the "nuggets" who balk at anything that doesn't have a Sean Jean or FUBU label on it, i didn't take kindly to this newfound following of mine. this was my style. my look. my moment to step out from the norm and be different. since then, i have accumulated a significant amount of bowties and have learned to pair them up with corresponding and contrasting colors in order to give off different visual effects. and i have noticed that others have fallen off the bandwagon and have returned to their regular ties. since our office move from the pentagon to Clarendon, i am relieved that i am the only person in this building that chooses to support this movement in neckwear....until today. i was in the office talking with my boss and two young ladies stepped in. one of the ladies said "oh, i love your bowtie. is it bowtie day or something around here?" i replied and said "what do you mean?" and she said "well, there's another guy around the corner wearing a bowtie as well". so, i stepped out of the office, looked around the corner and there was this tall skinny white guy with spiked hair and a horrible spray-on tan standing at his desk wearing a poorly-tied pink bow! the office suddenly went dim. i lunged forward and snatched him up by his tie and struggled with him to get it off from around his neck. when i finally got it off, i banged his head against the desk as hard as i could and knocked him out. he fell to the floor and i noticed a trail of blood streaming from his nose. of course i was worried and i thought that i may have overreacted, but when i looked at the bowtie in my hand, i knew i had done what was right and that everything was going to be okay. as i wiped the sweat from my forehead and tucked my shirt back into my slacks, i thought to myself "that'll learn him!" as i came to my senses, i realized that my thoughts of causing bodily harm over a piece of neckwear may be a little too extreme. so, i slowly walked back to my desk and tried to concentrate on my work. although i am content with not confronting the gentleman who chooses to not be a leader and follow me, i still feel like he needs to be pushed down the stairs or locked in a tanning bed for 12 hours! he needs to learn that this is my territory! i run this floor and he's infringing on my style! that's okay...he has a long way to go before he can catch up to me. this agency knows my name and knows that i'm the one who led this movement. he'll revert to his old ways. it's just a matter of time....wait a minute - why is his bowtie on the corner of my desk?

life changing...

you never really know how one person can change your life so drastially until they decide to do so. the power that we allow people to have over us is simply amazing. one simple question can alter your entire thought process and make you loose focus of everything that you have been working so hard to accomplish in life.

on friday, july 17th, i was asked a question that i had waited 6 years and 10 months to hear. it was a dream of mine that i have had since a child, but reconciled in adulthood that it would never be my lot. turns out that i was wrong.

i am now the happiest man in the world. my mind is consumed with planning the future and replaying the words i hope to never forget. excitement has gotten the best of me. i can't think. i can't sleep. i can't function or comprehend at work. but it's perfectly okay with me. i don't mind it one bit. life has improved and the smile that i once carried is now larger and brighter than before. can it get any better...

7 Years

what a difference 7 years makes. ups and downs, ins and outs. people go through so many changes over the course of one year...let alone 7. unfortunately, they all hit me. and all at the same time. even though each change was gradual, they all kind of came to a head at once. imagine that you are a car and you hit a nail in the road which causes a slow leak in your tire. in addition, your already-leaky oil tank is now down to almost nothing. your gas light has come on, your spark plugs are clogged with gunk and need replacing and your timing belt is hanging on by a thread of rubber. now imagine you hit a bump in the road and everything goes south. the tire goes flat, the oil tank is bone dry and your engine locks up, the gas tank is now on fumes, the spark plugs aren't giving off that spark and the timing belt is now being flung out underneath the car and you've rolled over it, leaving it in the middle of the street behind you. well, that's what it feels like has happened to me. all of these changes that have happened to me have come back to haunt me; stopping me dead in my tracks and forcing me to confront them. i've been harboring a lot of stress from these changes for the past few months and it wasn't until a few hours ago that i as able to take the car into the shop and verbalize the issues to the mechanic and explain how they have affected me. i held on to these changes for fear of change itself. he indicated that the car is definitely damaged, but can be restored. it's not completely fixed yet, but some work was done so far and i'm excited for the maintenance. it may be in the shop for a while, but it will be whole again and will be back in full force, ready for it's next stop on this road called life.

Death to Hubcaps

cars with hubcaps should be banned! the federal government should impound all vehicles that have hubcaps and fine the owners of said vehicles. okay, maybe not. that may be a little to harsh of a punishment. but how else would you reprimand someone who almost caused an accident on friday night on a busy highway. as i was driving down the highway headed home, there's this stretch of road that has an aggressive dip before the bridge and then another one after you cross it. given that it's a three-lane highway, you can avoid the dip and the unnecessary wear and tear on your car's shocks by merging into your far right lane. seeing that i have a new vehicle, i take every precaution to protect her from damage (including parking 8 miles from the entrance of malls and shopping centers in order to prevent "dings" in my door from careless commuters). in keeping with my norm, i merged to the far right lane when all was clear in order to avoid the dips on and before this bridge. however, some cars choose to take the dips at full speed. traveling at about 80 mph, i hit the beginning of the bridge only to notice that there was something beginning to roll over into my lane in front of me at a very hich speed. at first it looked like a silver spray can, but then i realized that it was a runaway hubcap from the hooptie in the middle lane. to protect my precious, i slammed on the breaks and the hubcap went spiraling out of control back into the middle lane just missing my front bumper. as i sped up and passed the hooptie, i realized that the driver had no idea about what had happened. his freshly-washed and shined bucket is now riding with only 3 hubcaps.

now, i know what you're thinking...the one who could have caused the accident was me. and you're probably right. i was the one doing 80 in a 55 mph zone. i was the one who chose to slam on the breaks. but don't you think that the man in the hooptie is partly to blame as well? if it wasn't for his old car, i would not have had to hit my breaks! no? you're not buying it? well, it still doesn't change my opinion about the government impounding all cars with hubcaps. they are a menace to society an should be put to death (still talking about the hubcaps...not the owners)!

#1 Reason to End This Recession

i know this will sound absolutely awful...but...i really don't care. working for the government, i thought that i would not feel the effects of this recession. boy was i wrong! it hit me, and it hit me HARD!

in my building at work, we have this place that makes paninis. now, i am usually not a fan of sandwiches. however, i tried this panini one day and it was simply heavenly. it had lettuce, turkey, ham, swiss cheese oozing from the sides, some kind of pesto sauce, and jalapeno bacon pressed and cooked between 2 slices of ciabatta bread! yes...i said jalapeno bacon! i've never heard of it either. but, let me tell you...it was the BIZOMB!!!! (i wish you could have heard me say BIZOM!!! cuz it was pretty funny) this sandwich made a believer out of me. i believed that i was falling in love with everything that made up this wonderful creation. i had an affair with every piece of that sandwich! every time that i got it, i gently blew on the bread, licked the lettuce, tickled the turkey, held the ham, and seductively caressed the swiss cheese. and when nobody was looking, i flat out devoured the jalapeno bacon! (you thought i was going to use "J" and "B", didn't ya!) well, after a long affair with this sandwich, i thought i would be faithful to the one i was committed to previously...Panda Express. after realizing that i was not eating Orange Chicken, rather was probably eating panda meat, i decided to spice up my lunch breaks and cheat on panda again for old time's sake. well...that's when my entire world fell apart. last week, i was facilitating a meeting with some folks from Germany and i took them to meet my "sandstress" (kind of like mistress...but a sandwich...neverrmind). when we got to the lunch room, i ordered my precious panini and learned that they had discontinued the use of jalapeno bacon and now only use regular bacon!!!! ***GASP*** my heart stopped. (yours did too, didn't it) it turns out that due to the recession, they had to make some cut-backs in the kitchen, and my sweet jalapeno bacon was laid off. they told her to pack her stuff and GO. there was no warning. she was just let go...needless to say, i will never be the same without her....or so i thought. as i bit into my panini, i realized that bacon is bacon and it was STILL the BIZOMB!!!! my love affair continues!

Uninspired

its been a while since i've written a blog. mainly because i've been down over the issue with my friend who was in the skiing accident two weeks ago. if you haven't heard, my friend passed away on Monday, February 23, 2009. shocking and heartbreaking. that's all i've been able to convey. i've always believed in god and that he can do anything. i truly believed that god would touch and heal my friend. i believed that he would be back at work and we would be back to normal, cracking jokes and laughing together. i've never really believed in something so strongly before. i guess maybe because i just really wanted that to be the case. anyway, that's not how the story has played out. i know god has His own plan for our lives and no matter how much we want something to be, sometimes, it just isn't in His will. i still believe in god and what he can do. just sad that the outcome wasn't different. i miss him. i miss him every single day. i miss him every morning that i don't hear him yell over top of the music in my headphones when i walk in the office. i miss him when those breaks don't come where he comes over to chat. i miss being able to recap our favorite tv shows/movies. and i especially miss him when i get excited over something or overhear something that was said and get up to go around the wall to his desk and talk about it and realize that he's not there. you never know how much a part of your life someone is until they are gone. and i never imagined that i would be this affected by him being gone. that was my buddy. that was my friend. that was my dawg (as he would say). working with him was the highlight of my workday...today, March 4, is his birthday.......he would have been 24......

happy birthday Chris. I miss you. I love you. And I will remember you for all of the good times that we had in and outside of the office. you weren't only a coworker, but i am honored to have called you friend. You will always be in my thoughts, and your family in my prayers!